It's so nice outside.. really, it's lovely. I was actually inspired to clean out my car... I even washed it. Yeah.... how d'ya like them apples? But.. yeah, it was pretty bad.. I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out... or whether or not I'd emerge from the backseat with all my limbs in tow. Well, anyway, after school I stopped by Walmart and bought some Armor All wipes, car wash, and upholstery cleaner - only the best for my Frank. Yes, that's right, my car's name is Frank. Frank the Tank.

I cleaned it out first. I ended up with two garbage bags full of junk.. a far cry from my record of five.. so, yeah, I was surprised- of course, that's sans trunk. I was amazed at all the shit I could fit in the backseat because there is absolutely no room in the backseat of a Probe. Even if you move the front seats up all the way.. yeah.. no room. So I found a lava lamp buried beneath, like, a gazillion waterbottles. I didn't remember owning a lava lamp, but.. well, finders keepers. The rest was mostly old school papers and unpaid parking tickets, of course, those were stuck to a few half-eaten candy canes so I figured I'd just throw them away. They'll understand.

Then I finally got to put my dustbuster to use. I got it for Christmas from a misguided family member. It lasted about twenty minutes before I had to recharge it. So FYI... twenty minutes translates to the front passenger's seat. Anyway, I took care of everything, eventually... the wipes, the seats, the sweeping. Pfff... let's just say it took awhile. And I think I cut off the food supply of whatever is living under the driver's seat.

When I finally got around to washing, it was starting to get dark, but I was on a roll. Besides, if I didn't finish it then, I wouldn't do it at all. But it was cold.. and the fact that I'm susceptible to disease this time of year made it the most stupid thing I've done this year. Anyway, the only time I ever really look at my car is when I wash it.. and I noticed a few things this time round. First off, I haven't washed my car since last July.. or sometime around then. So there were, like, layers I had to scrub through.

First was the shit layer. This layer consisted of... shit, yes... and some sort of vomit. I kid you not. Since I live in a wooded area, there was deer vomit all over my car. I don't know why the deer seek out my car to regurgitate, but if any of them are reading this: Please stop. It's a bitch trying to scrub it off. I don't even think I got it all off, I'm sure there's still a little left that I have to let soak or something. I don't know. The shit came off with the powerhose.. but the vomit? Required elbow grease.

Eventually I rediscovered that my car is actually red as opposed to shit brown. But I also learned that the cold winter months had taken their toll on poor Frank. The paint is chipping. Ah, it's horrible. I have little silver marks all over the roof and hood. Little yellow marks all over the front bumper. It wouldn't bother me so much if they were small... or inconspicuous... or invisible. And there aren't that many, but the ones that are there are rather large. And my bumper is fading from black to light gray.. where the Armor All used to help, it helps no more. And the mirror that my dad "replaced" is slowly started to return to its original color. I was a sad day for Frank and me. But we'll pull through this, hell, it's what's under the hood that really matters... and Frank's not a little boy if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

So. I put some band-aids on Frank's boo-boos, sprayed some Febreeze, threw in a new air freshener... and we're good to go. I didn't clean the wheels... I should have... but it was a new sponge... and despite the shit'n'vomit, it still has a few car washes left in it. I hosed them down though.

And I'm not sick yet, it's starting to get my hopes up. I feel good.