I'm sure by this point, everyone has noticed my erratic mood swings. I'm not going to lie and say everything's fine, because everything certainly is not fine. But, you know, I'll get myself through it. Writing is therapeutic. And if you haven't guessed already, I'm not in a good mood right now.

I'm sure as this continues I'll start recounting, but I don't feel like any of that right now. The only way I can see myself through this at the moment is self medication. Everytime I see a doctor or therapist or anyone, they had me a prescription for Prozac and send me on my merry way. But you know what? Prozac doesn't help. And I would think they might realize that by now because I'm not getting better; absolutely nothing has changed. It's not a chemical imbalance causing my problem, it's an emotional one. Not in my head, in my heart.

Kiddie movies make me feel so much better, specifically Alice In Wonderland. I'm sure the reasons are obvious. Reading...sleeping... perhaps they help for the same reasons Alice In Wonderland helps. If I'm unable to do any of those, then I drowned out the problems with music.. or space out... it depends on where I am. Sleep has become a problem lately... I usually fall alseep at 5am and sleep until my mom comes home from work. I usually spend the entire day in my room. It's a safe haven. It's the only place I don't have to deal with school, Ben, or anything else. It's my own Wonderland, I suppose.

Anyway, this whole post was spurred by my need to help myself, without a doctor. And I noticed that Trazodone has some interesting side effects. I've never been effected by the side effects of any drug I've used, but I look at them anyway... on the off chance that one of them is "sudden death". But for Trazodone: Nausea, dizziness, insomnia, agitation, tiredness, dry mouth, constipation, lightheadedness, headache, low blood pressure, blurred vision, nightmares, and confusion. Usually, I wake up dazed and confused anyway. Not knowing what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Well, I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know what I want to do. To be honest.. the side effects sound like me in a nutshell. That really scares me, because maybe depression isn't my problem. Maybe it's something worse? Yet, everytime I seek out help, they hand me more Prozac. "Give it time," they say. I gave it five fucking years and nothing has changed, why can't they see that?

I need a break. Maybe I'll edit in the morning, I'm sure I will. It will all sound so ridiculous.